In last week’s post, I discussed the job of parenting, the hardest and most important job we ever do. The feedback I received was super affirming. Every parent can relate to the challenges. In my mission to help families create a lasting legacy, it starts with our job as parents to try to raise responsible kids. I’m no parenting expert, but I’ll take a stab at sharing some more wisdom on this topic.
Our job starts when our kids are born. I’ll never forget what I learned from the esteemed Rabbi Haskell Lookstein at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun in New York. We were attending a Simchat Bat ceremony to celebrate the birth of a friend’s daughter. Rabbi Lookstein admonished the new parents: “Your first job as parents is to teach your child to have gratitude.” He explained that a newborn quickly becomes accustomed to having everything given to them. Naturally, a kid can grow up expecting that free ride to continue. According to the Rabbi, the first task is to teach little ones to say, “thank you.” For starters, it’s as simple as that. As they get older, our job expands.
Legendary Fort Worth vice principal at I.M. Terrell High School, Hazel Harvey Peace, embraced this message when she accepted Fort Worth’s Multicultural Alliance Award. In her speech, she told of high school students who were about to make bad decisions. She asserted that sometimes kids aren’t ready to make certain decisions. She said it is our job as parents (and hers, as their vice principal) to step in and override them. As I said last week, parenting isn’t a popularity contest. The mission is to keep them on track until they have the maturity to make critical decisions. Let kids learn lessons of failure on small decisions, but protect them from major screw-ups until they’re old enough to make responsible decisions.
With Adam and Lizzy both now grown, Laurie and I breathe a sigh of relief. We gave it our all and did our best. We certainly weren’t perfect. Interestingly, Lizzy was interviewed for an article about her life story. Lizzy described my role as the dad who relentlessly pushed her to reach her full potential, and Laurie’s role as the strict disciplinarian pushing her to behave. The author portrayed our parenting approach in a negative light. Our friends were horrified by the negative depiction of our parenting style. Laurie and I were unfazed. In fact, we wear that description as a badge of honor. We’ll take that criticism any day.
I once had the privilege of asking Warren Buffett for his advice on raising responsible kids, especially kids raised in affluence. He instantly responded that the most effective way to parent is to set an example. As Buffett said, “Your kids are watching you more than they are listening to you.”
I see this playing out beautifully in the next generation of our family. At an “End Jew Hatred” event, Lizzy was asked for one piece of advice. Her answer was golden: “I want to talk to all the moms and dads in the audience. It’s our job to raise our kids to care. People ask how I got my kids to be invested in supporting the Jewish people. It’s action. They’re watching everything we do. It’s what we eat, sleep, and breathe in our house. They know this is who they are, and they know what’s expected of them.” It’s the “Savetsky Family Business,” and they grow up knowing they’re a part of it.
That was a mountaintop moment for me as a G-1 parent, to witness my G-2 daughter passing down our family’s values to G-3, l’dor vador, from generation to generation. Lizzy concluded: “As parents, we must prepare the next generation. We need them to be educated. We need them to feel empowered. We need them to be ready to take the reins, carry the torch, and light the way.”
Way to go, Lizzy. And as for Laurie and me, mission accomplished!
Marvin Blum’s daughter Lizzy Savetsky speaking at an End Jew Hatred event about the importance of parents passing down their values to their kids.